from TOMBOY to GIRLY?

I have come to the conclusion that FINALLY...at my ripe age of 25, I think I am finally acting and thinking like a feminine woman...LOL, or maybe its from reading all these fashion blogs. I say this because I have noticed how I have been shopping more and looking at more feminine clothing. On weekends, I usually look like the pic on the right, jeans, shirt and my boots. Its my casual look, but like I mentioned, it seems my tastes are changing a bit. After work today, I went to ROSS and went on a mini shopping spree there. I bought some work pants, nothing out of the ordinary, but I never go through the dress/shoes aisles...but today I did. I always wear pants and never feel comfortable showing my legs. They are seriously pale from the severe lack of sunlight. Anyways, I found the courage to try on a few stuff and ended up trying on like 5 dresses. They looked cute on the racks, but either poofed-out too much, were too tight, or were too short for my liking. I actually liked one of them and ended up buying it. It is fit up top and flows down and hides any pudgyness below. The pattern is really cool and I dont even care that it is a horizontal design, I still like it. It has some brown in it so I thought it would be cute with my brown cowboy boots. I also had to get a little sweater for it cause I hate sleeve-less dresses/shirts because of my saggy arms. I almost always have my arms covered anways, so the sweater makes me feel more comfortable. I am also not a fan of heels or uncomfortable shoes. I admit my favorite pair of shoes are my black combat boots (pictured on the left) which I usually wear with jeans. What can I say, Im a tough chick, LOL, not really. Anyways, I took a leap of faith and bought some shoes as well. The brown shoes are a bit tight but I think I can work with them. My 16 year old niece told me they look like granny shoes, but hey, for someone who never ever wears heels, they are a pretty big deal. The pattern is a bit funky so I like them. The grey ones are Aerosoles I think, I dont really look at brands. As long as they are comfy and affordable, Id consider getting them. I like the grey and black combo but dont know what else they would go with other than black/grey pants. Which is ok I guess since I do own several. The thing that blows my mind, is how they are so comfortable..while still having some heel to them. I liked some other ones too but I have a bit of an ingown toenail, which hurts like hell in the wrong shoes, so I have to be careful about what shoes I buy. But there are roomy shoes out there, I know that now. I also bought a new bag. Its big and black and has grey cord braided straps. Its not sparkly like it is in the picture, my camera just has really good flash LOL. Again, its kinda a big departure from my usual style. For many years, I only used long hobos or over the shoulder messenger bags.. until recently. Im getting used to actually carrying around a bag. They are convenient though and can add a touch of style to a dull outfit. So basically that was my afternoon today. I really enjoyed it though. It was fun. I just hope I dont become addicted to all this newly found love of buying girly things. I should begin to have a budget for myself, but who am I kidding..who can resist a good deal when it comes along....am I right? :)

Overall, it was quite a gratifying buy..all of them. Im not sure when I will dare to wear the dress out. Im still trying to accept the fact that I am a girl, and should not be afraid to embrace my femininity. Not too much of a drastic change though. It will take baby steps for me to completly do a 180 and be a girly girl. But we will see how things go. WISH ME LUCK ON MY JOURNEY TO FEMININITY! :)

BOYFRIEND #2?

(warning.....Im bored...be prepared for a LONG blog)

So I've been dating this guy for a few days now...Robert (or as I call him ROBERTO with an Italian accent). Someone who actually gave me a chance and tolerated my attitude/habits/shy-ness/awkward-ness/slow pace. The title of this entry is boyfriend #2? because I dont know if he is "my man" quite yet. Is he suppose to ask me to be his GF or I ask him to be my BF? I really don't know the official stance on that. Anyways, here is a run down of how things are going so far.

DATE #1: Friday night dinner at Olive Garden on the south side of town (BTW he lives on the north side of town and drives 30 min. to my side of town). We had to wait before getting a table so we talked outside before going in, and had a lovely romantic dinner. We took so long inside talking/eating, I think the waiter was just waiting for us to leave to give the table to someone else. So we finally left and just hanged out outside in the parking lot by my car. (kinda ghetto isnt it LOL) Anyways, we were there just standing around talking and getting to know more about each other for like an additional hour. (nope I didnt get tired of standing, it was worth it) The restraunt security guard even passed by us two times to check up on us. That was quite funny though, as if we were gonna be doing something naughty or be vandalizing property. The night ended with a hearty hug and a "we should get together again sometime".

DATE #2: Unexpected Saturday brunch at a Mexican restraunt which then turned into a trip to the mall. I feel bad kinda dragging him into Bath&BodyWorks and looking at shoes, purses, and dresses at Macy's but he didnt complain. Then we went back outside and just hanged out...in the parking lot...again..LOL. This time, the mall security guy even drove up and stopped right in front of us and asked if everything was okay. It must have looked like we were trying to break into his car...quite hilarious. So after a time talking...came...dramtic pause...the KISS...It was quite cute but awkward. I think an elderly couple had walked by at that exact moment, so they got a free show. Im a horrible kisser and I usually giggle or do something wierd. I actually breathed right into his mouth as I busted out a lil laugh. Ohh yeah, Im romantic arent I (and that wouldnt be the last time I do that...so horrible) Anyways, we moved to a different location and just chilled in the car. It was getting dark, and the crows were beginning to gather on the power lines and do choreographed dances in the air. It was very beautiful in a wierd bird-watching while trying to have a one-on-one intimate conversation kinda way. Night ended with a hug/kiss combo. NICE....

DATE #3: I made the trip up towards north side of town and we had lunch at a nice lil pizza place. It was a sunday, so I was in my Sunday clothes which included dressy slacks and cowboy boots (hey, dont diss my style). And for some odd reason we decided to go to McAllister park and hang out. Needless to say, I was walking the rough trails into the forest in my boots...hey its how I roll ;) I will note that it was very funny to see everyone in their shorts and sneakers, and me in my long pants and boots, 3/4 sleeve blouse, and I also had my purse with all my stuff with me on my shoulder. What can I say, I was roughing it. It was a beautiful day, people walking their dogs, kids riding bikes, children on the playground, medieval duels? HaHa, it was like out from the movie Role Models, full grown men wearing time period wardrobe using foam shields and swords practicing, it seemed, for a full on tournament. We couldnt help but stop and stare a bit. They even invited Robert to join in saying "come on. with those arms" come join us. I almost literally Laughed Out Loud, but restrained myself cause they were really serious about it. Sadly though, Robert politely declined seeing as he was in flip flops. We continued our lil walk and talk while holding hands (awwwww que cute) and stopped at a park bench in a more secluded area. I'll admit, I was acting like a lil girl who had never been kissed. IDK what I was so scared and nervous about. Maybe it was being in a forested area occasionally having lil kids pass by on their bikes or old people giving us looks. LOL, but it was cute how he was so patient with me and just held hands and held me..and yes...I laughed into his mouth again as we kissed. I'm awkward, I cant help it.

DATE #4: We had dinner at a sea food place on my side of town and it was delicious. Again we kinda just lingered at the table talking, joking, and giving glances at each other, then we just finished our food and went outside. It was getting cold so we just sat in his car. Right in front of us was a group of construction workers working across the street. This one man was kneeling down laying down some cement I guess, but his ass crack was very much visible. I must say...it was quite a view. (O_O) The night was quiet and we just listened to some tunes. He held my hand and just caressed it in his. Then he leaned in to kiss me, I was hesitant at first because of the fish I had eaten. Then I chewed some spearmint gum. Fish/spearment flavored kisses...quite interesting combo. It at least made for some memorable moments.

Overall...I've been having a really fun time with Robert. I was given advice to take things slow, which I have been doing. There is not rush on my part to hurry into anything or do something Im not ready to do. All in all, Im looking forward to just spending more time with him and having many more lil adventures. Robert is gonna be gone all week on an off-roadig vacation type thing, so no more quirkey lil stories for a while. Back to my boring life I had before. At least it will give my feet some rest before hiking in cowboy boots again or the fish/spearmint taste to wear off.

lil bit confused O_o help?

(just a boring ranting blog...no pics or graphics today, sawwwwyyyy)

Sooooo, I need to rant/vent a lil, so I understand if no body ever reads this. Basically.....my life has really sucked when it comes to romance. Its been either me falling for the wrong guy , or the "unavailable" guy, the "want more than friendship" guy or "we're together but never have time to talk to you or message you" guy. I was pretty dependent and clingy on my last boyfriend, and I hate to admit that. I'm all for woman independence and power, but I'm just very very shy and insecure when it comes to guy stuff. Im working on it though, Im trying to better myself.
Anyways, I tried moving on and getting back on the horse with a new guy but then got knocked back down. Yeah I was disappointed and kinda hurt, but instead of staying down and crawl back into my all too familiar shell, I got back out there. I met this new guy (new new guy), who I initially met online, had back and forth messages wednesday, then talked for like 3 hours thursday, went on a dinner date then talked 4 hours friday night, and today hanged out with him for like 6 hours. New new guy is really really funny, cute, and genuinly great guy to be around. I really like him and I can see myself with him, but still buried deep in my heart and memories, my last love keeps poping up and confuses me. Am I really over my past, am I just waiting for him to come back, am I just looking for someone to pass the time with, am I using this guy, am I really dating a rebound guy? I hope Im not that kind of person, I just cant help but look to my past when I try to look to my future. I just wanna be happy and have fun and not be stuck in drama as my past year has been. Should I have stayed away from any form of relationship right after my previous one? Am I moving to fast? I really wanna know! LOL, I need advice! HELP!

Valentines Day (bad/good)

Ok, first a lil background. I had just recently separated from my "virtual" boyfriend last week, and I had kinda seen it coming so I wasnt toooo surprised, but I still love him and it still hurt bad. So then later that week I met this other guy who I liked and was suppose to hang out this weekend, but after getting to know the real me more...he flat out told me I was "difficult" and basically didnt see us becoming "us". I gotta say that was kinda a low blow..I guess Im too much to handle LOL :) Its cool though I'd still wanna be friends with him. Soooo, that romance kinda ended before it even began. I was sadly "dumped" by two different guys within the span of 1 week. So I was NOT looking forward to this "holiday" which revolves around lovey dovey mushy stuff towards your loved ones, particularly if your in a relationship. The day started off normal and I thought maybe, just maybe I would have an OK day, but to make matters worst, I was contacted by those two people. One was chill and just wanting to know how I was doing, but that other one...geezzz, its always difficult to know what is meant by his communication. Its like, I love you, but I dont want you right now. Again it was ME who was flawed...too dependent and clingy to be specific. All that did was make me more confused, sad, and stressed about things. GRRRRrrrrrrr.

All seemed like my Valentines would be a miserable day. To be single on Valentines day is really bad here in town because everywhere you go, the freaking streets are lined with people selling Vday gifts/flowers/stuffed animals/balloons/chocolates ect ect. UGHHHH....Any ways, to overcome the depression, I went shopping to ROSS. I swear that store can work wonders and cure any ailment, LMFAO :)
I never ever look at the dresses cause I dont wear any, but today, since I wanted to just spend time on myself, I looked through the racks, tried on like 7 of them and actually bought 1. I now officially own a dress....OMG heheheheh. Its been like 7 years..serisoulsy!! I really dont know if I'll ever wear it out, but ohh well, its MINE now.
BTW, I have no idea how to wear dresses, its sleveless and I hate it, hence the lil sweater. I know its a moderate length, but I think it's kinda short for my liking, and I have no dressy shoes for it other than my halloween costume heels which kill my feet/toes. I usually only ever wear pants/jeans/slacks and like sneakers or my combat or cowboy boots. Hahahah, I suck at being girly, but Im learning more about fashion with the help of my friend Maria @ http://txlovelifeandfashion.blogspot.com/ (If your interested in budgeting fashion, or fashion trends in general read her blogs. Very insighful.) (ohhh and Maria, your awesome and very chill to hang out with, and thanks for your shoutouts in your blogs...LOL. Looking forward to hanging out again soon)
So hopefully, at my ripe age, I will finally become a woman of sorts with this new found knowledge...hahahahha. So in summary.....the day was kinda rough/confusing/arousing/disappointing/blissful/and full of guilty pleasure shopping. :)

Anyways.....So here I am...still a single woman on Valentines day, but Im ok with it...
I forever love
ME, MYSELF, and I

sci-fi-ish dream interpretation

SOoOooOo....I had a wierd dream this morning. From what I remember, it was a typical Underworld/Twilight storyline of VAMPIRES vs WEREWOLVES. Yes, I am fully aware how wierd that is, but hey Im a wierd person. LOL :)

Anyways, I was a part of a group of humans running away from these creatures who were fighting each other but also very focused on killing/eating us O_o

Anyways, we were going from building to building and ended up in a high school going up many flights of stairs but not actually arriving at a floor? Yeah Im still confused about that kind of setting, but ohh well, it is what it is. Anyways, I guess we ended up facing destruction, because I DO remember having to think about which I would prefer to become. I DONT remember which was my decision, cause I think at that moment I began to wake up.
But as I was trying to explain the dream to a friend, I was kinda analyzing it and came to the conclusion that it was a figurative battle between the "evil" creatures and the "good" humans. The humans were being destroyed and their numbers dwindling. I was part of that "good" group trying to fight/escape "evil" but ultimately ended up losing/giving up and joining the "evil" side. I inevitable lost the battle against the monsters/demons (in me) and lost my humanity/goodness? Hence, turning into a monster myself.

I dont know why I would dream about this, but I dont think Ive become totally evil...not yet ;) I am bitter/mad/cold/critical of myself because of personal matters (read previous blog) so maybe it was my internal self telling me not to let the "evil" side take over me, not to let the monsters win. To hold on to my good human nature? Ive never been a mean vengeful spiteful angry person, and I dont wanna be like that. And since I do kinda like the sci-fi genre in general, I guess my unconscious self decided it was the best way to get the message across and me actually pay attention to it..LOL I dont really know. Everyone has a lil good AND bad in them, its just a decision that has to be made as to which you choose to be. Maybe its nothing, maybe I was just having a geeky movie dream, quite possible. I just thought Id share this entertaining thought of me receiving insightful messages through sci-fi-esque dream interpretations. At least I hope you got a laugh at this and how I can read so much into it.

An education wasted?

I was reading a local online news article in which a Douglas Hall PhD., comments how the U.S. isn't educating enough students in the field of science. That more non-Americans are obtaining advanced degrees than Americans. The article then suggest that the field of science just isnt appealing to the general youth of America now a day. I completely understand this. Most of our youth think science is too hard and requires too much math and critical thinking. Most just opt for an easier degree, or dont even seek out an advanced degree and settle for a high school diploma, if even that. Then there was a comment left by an unknown person telling his situation. Basically he is a PhD research scientist who works nonstop in a laboratory, is training graduate students, earns less than $40,000 a year and doesnt own a home or fancy new car. This sounds like an average joe living, but he has a PhD, isnt that suppose to mean higher success. It kinda got me thinking, is this the portrait of a typical scientist in America? I wanted to become a research scientist assistant, in pharmaceautical or genetic developments, but looking more into it, I see how they are pretty much under paid, have to sometimes work extended hours, sometimes weekends and holidays, and maybe dont really have a guaranteed long term position (if the grants end, or the research terminates, the job ends). Not having a secure long term job is really unappealing right now. And besides, I kinda dont wanna be a scientist anymore. I tried, I really did. Right after college I tried applying at all these research facilities we have here, but they all wanted either a higher degree or way more experience than what I had. So after a while, I kinda gave up. So this office job kinda fell into my lap and I took it, and its satisfying and actually decent paying. That anonymous commentator also said "being a scientist does not pay and is no more rewarding than any other field...leaving young Americans to ask themselves 'why bother?'" I know this is just ONE persons point of view. But I understand this point of view. At the job I have now, medical receptionist/referral & insurance specialist/nerve conduction technician (we're really short staffed and I do all these), I do not need my bachelors degree in biology. It helps with terminology and all, but anyone can pick that up along the way. Im earning a stable constant weekly salary with much less effort as I would have as a research assistant. A higher paying job would require a
higher degree = more school = more money needed.
But I kinda wonder...why bother? For now at least. I like my comfy job. Yes of coarse it gets hectic and busy and stressful but then in the afternoons gets slower and work can be done with more ease. I guess it is also a question of where your heart is and how badly you want something. People who dont have the drive to be a scientist, or any other highly qualified career, would probably prefer an easier job rather than killing themselves over a Masters or PhD degree. Its kinda sad that most people prefer to go the easy route and focus on what gets them instant gratification. But I cant really criticize because I'm one of those persons. Yes for now I am settling for what I already have. Right now economic security is a bit more important. When the economy stabalizes more and I can afford to go back to school, then of coarse I would love to go back and pursue a higher degree if not just for my personal satisfaction and sense of achievement.


But I will say that being a scientist doesn't have many perks or positive stereotypes attached to it. Be honest, most people think of scientist and think of a nerd, socially isolated, with glasses and in a lab coat. Well...
thats what I wanted to become LOL :)

Perhaps if that stereotype changes, and the benefits improve, and I have more ability financially to take that risk, then I'll have more of a strive to become one.

(article referenced above at: www.mysanantonio.com/community/US_producing_fewer_scientists_top_educator_says.html )

open letter to my heart...

OPEN LETTER TO MY HEART...


Dear Heart,
I know how you ache to be so alone. But fear not, hopefully it is only temporary. I feel how you beat faster and harder when you think about HIM. I know how you melt when you hear HIS voice. I know how you break apart when HE leaves us. I know how you long to be a whole again, because a part of you is with HIM. And until HE is with us, If HE will be with us, you will never be complete. So Heart, be prepared, be strong, and be brave. For you must endure more. I fell in love with HIM...no doubt about that. This is not going to be an easy trip, it wil be a long and turbulent journey. You must endure, for I am nothing without you.

yeah, Im "plump"

So, its no secret that Im a not so slender girl. Im 5' 6.5" and about 180 llbs at the moment. According to the medical "standards" of what is average, I'm about 40 lbs overweight. Since I'm Hispanic, of coarse I'm gonna have big hips and thighs, but my weight has always been an issue.

I remember having to run for P.E. class in like 4th grade and thinking to myself, why the hell is my ass jiggling...LOL. And since then I knew I was a fat kid. It didnt help either that I didnt have many friends to tell me otherwise, so I believed that. Thats just the mindset I had throughout middle school, high school, and even college. I dont remember being called any names to my face (maybe they did it behind my back though) but for the most part I was just left alone. A loner or outsider of sorts. I never wore cute clothes or went on dates. i just lounged around not caring. It wasnt until recently that I started to at least try to look and feel better about myself. I've lost some weight, so of coarse my skin is readjusting and is flabby and loose...Ewww, ok sorry to gross yall out but you get the idea. But still yesterday, when I revealed my real weight to someone, they called my "plump" and "chubby". I laughed about it and joked about it, but I really was kinda hurt. No one really likes to have their flaws pointed out to them. It usually starts a kind of negative outlook and one begins to criticize themselves. I'm just trying to not think so negatively about it, but it can be hard at times.

I know I'm chunky and don't get any attention from the opposite sex. Thats just the sad truth. Much of society doesnt really accept most overweight people as being sexy. All the freaking models you see in magazines are rail thin and its hard to find any cute clothes in bigger sizes. Sexy just wasnt meant to be associated with fat people I guess. But damn it, I wanna feel SEXY too LOL :) I can fake beauty by sucking my tummy in or strategically angling camera so love handles dont appear so prominent. But why should I have to do that. Why cant big be beautiful too. I need to engrave that into my mind. And why cant a heavier girl have high standards for a cute sexy hot guy. Not to say that husky guys arent cute/sexy, just that people usually think my default kinda guy would be someone of lower quality???

I really dont know if I'm even making any sense anymore. I warned you all that I ramble and get off topic sometimes. I guess I just wanted to vent out about my weight insecurities which are kinda deeply engraved and would take time to heal. I'll always be a "big-boned" girl. I've come to terms with it. It's just the internal self image of what is beautiful that I need to change. I think I need to youtube Christina Aguilera's song "Beautiful" and believe it...LOL..wierd choice of music?? Maybe so, but its a clear-cut message. I am beautiful, no matter what you say, words cant bring me down. I'll just shut up now...If anyone actually reads this, I appreciate the effort to try and understand what I'm trying to get out...Thanks!