yeah, Im "plump"

So, its no secret that Im a not so slender girl. Im 5' 6.5" and about 180 llbs at the moment. According to the medical "standards" of what is average, I'm about 40 lbs overweight. Since I'm Hispanic, of coarse I'm gonna have big hips and thighs, but my weight has always been an issue.

I remember having to run for P.E. class in like 4th grade and thinking to myself, why the hell is my ass jiggling...LOL. And since then I knew I was a fat kid. It didnt help either that I didnt have many friends to tell me otherwise, so I believed that. Thats just the mindset I had throughout middle school, high school, and even college. I dont remember being called any names to my face (maybe they did it behind my back though) but for the most part I was just left alone. A loner or outsider of sorts. I never wore cute clothes or went on dates. i just lounged around not caring. It wasnt until recently that I started to at least try to look and feel better about myself. I've lost some weight, so of coarse my skin is readjusting and is flabby and loose...Ewww, ok sorry to gross yall out but you get the idea. But still yesterday, when I revealed my real weight to someone, they called my "plump" and "chubby". I laughed about it and joked about it, but I really was kinda hurt. No one really likes to have their flaws pointed out to them. It usually starts a kind of negative outlook and one begins to criticize themselves. I'm just trying to not think so negatively about it, but it can be hard at times.

I know I'm chunky and don't get any attention from the opposite sex. Thats just the sad truth. Much of society doesnt really accept most overweight people as being sexy. All the freaking models you see in magazines are rail thin and its hard to find any cute clothes in bigger sizes. Sexy just wasnt meant to be associated with fat people I guess. But damn it, I wanna feel SEXY too LOL :) I can fake beauty by sucking my tummy in or strategically angling camera so love handles dont appear so prominent. But why should I have to do that. Why cant big be beautiful too. I need to engrave that into my mind. And why cant a heavier girl have high standards for a cute sexy hot guy. Not to say that husky guys arent cute/sexy, just that people usually think my default kinda guy would be someone of lower quality???

I really dont know if I'm even making any sense anymore. I warned you all that I ramble and get off topic sometimes. I guess I just wanted to vent out about my weight insecurities which are kinda deeply engraved and would take time to heal. I'll always be a "big-boned" girl. I've come to terms with it. It's just the internal self image of what is beautiful that I need to change. I think I need to youtube Christina Aguilera's song "Beautiful" and believe it...LOL..wierd choice of music?? Maybe so, but its a clear-cut message. I am beautiful, no matter what you say, words cant bring me down. I'll just shut up now...If anyone actually reads this, I appreciate the effort to try and understand what I'm trying to get out...Thanks!