ohh my Goshness

Instead of staying home and soaking in my misery, I actually got out of the house tonight, without Hector, and without feeling bad about it. I had dinner with a new friend and it went quite well. Actually, it was with the guy that made Hector all jealous and upset the other day, but he doesn't know that. Since he decided not to see me as "friends" anymore or even try to make our relationship work, that is information that he doesn't need to know. I'm not trying to start more drama. Besides it was innocent. I'm allowed to have friends too, right?

"friend" break-up?

I hadn't seem or heard from my guy friend for a few days so I decided to go to his place and see if he was ok. Well he was there, and acted like it was no big deal. Well I kept saying I was worried and wanted to see him and asked why he hadn't gone, and he said he's not gonna go to my place again. And primarily due to things I had no control over. For one, he is stuck on something my mom said, joking if he had put a spell or charm over me because I am always going to him and wanting to be with him. I know my mom was joking, but he took it as an offense. Also, he doesn't like how my father looks at him. Who can blame him? Fathers are always protective and suspicious of a daughter's love interest. Plus, my guy friend doesn't even try to make conversation or let my family get to know him, so I understand their concerns. But all that shouldn't matter if he truly wanted to be with me. At least that is what I had thought. I never asked him to be friendly or talkative with my family or to hang out at family gatherings, I accepted our "thing" as it was. And also apparently people in the neighborhood are talking about him and I, about who's daughter I am, about how I visit him and take him places, and I guess I am being portrayed as a "sugga momma", and he don't like the gossip. So due to silly gossip and expected family rections, he is cutting me loose. For now. I was trying not to tear up, and I kept looking away to dry out a few tears coming out. He said he was "contento y feliz solo" [content and happy being alone]. I know I have some feelings for him and I though he had something for me too, but I don't know if he really doesn't want to see me anymore or if he is playing tough guy and see if he can make me believe he is no longer interested. It's really sad because we had talked about maybe making our relationship official, and here he is easily willy to end it all. I think maybe his machismo pride is hurt and wants to re-establish his strong leader loner-yet-ladies-man image he had before.

Ughhh, boys...who will ever understand them?

New hair product reviews

So I kept seeing this commercial for "Tio Nacho" shampoo on the spanish channels and I was curious as to what the hype was all about. It makes alot of promises. It is also really hard to find, but I finally found it at CVS pharmacy. They only had the one used to hide grays so I bought it for like $7.99 and gave it to my dad to use, he has alot of grays. I have noticed his hair darker and softer. Our whole family thought he had dyed his hair LOL. Well that pushed me into trying it out for myself. I bought the Natural Lightening shampoo with natural extracts and "Royal Jelly and Chamomile" for $6.99. This shampoo supposedly nurtures and helps strengthen hair and naturally lighten it. Ohh well, worth a shot. I just used it tonight, and I will say that once my hair dried, I felt it soft and worthy of running my fingers through it. LOL , it felt as if I had at least used a conditioner, but I didn't! Tio Nacho only has shampoos, or at least the store I went to only had the shampoo. But really, there is no need for one, the shampoo leaves your hair quite soft by itself. For a first time use, I was impressed. I am gonna hold off on commenting about the lightening effect for a few more washes. I have really dark brown hair with reddish hidden highlights only visible in bright sunlight. I am hoping to see some of the lighter tones enhanced. All in all, I say the Tio Nacho shampoos live up to the hype, at least for now. My soft hair and my dad's darker and less gray hair are testimony to that. You should try it IF you can find it in stores.


While at CVS, I also saw a section of got2b products and the "smooth operator" Smoothing Lustre Lotion with cashmere caught my attention. It may have been the cute pink bottle and the attached charms.

Yes, charms on the bottle. Cute right!

Anyways, I took the lid off to smell it and it smelled really sweet, almost like cotton candy. The product is "infused with luxurious cashmere, shapes, smoothes, controls fly-aways and imparts an amazing weightless lustre and softness. Helps to protect against damage from heat styling and contains a UV protectant." I was sold! All that is something I need. Softening effect, controls fly-aways, heat protectant , and enchanting smell. I used it once my Tio Nacho washed hair had air dried. It immediately makes your hair feel soft-er and ohh so touchable. The smell is awesome too, not at all too sweet like candy or fruit, but cashmere-ish, if there is such a smell LOL.
I think I might have to look into the got2b hair line products for shampoos or hairsprays.

Then, since I had nothing else better to do, I decided to curl my hair a little bit to see the "heat damage" protection of the got2b product. I use the old fashioned hot rollers because they are quicker and I think are safer than the curling iron which can over heat your strands and cause more damage. Besides, I'm lazy. All I gotta do is plug it in, let them heat up, put them on and take them off after a while. All in all it takes me about 10 minutes.

Well, I only wanted loose manageable curls, and I got them. Even now, about 3 hours later, they are still nice and flowy without having to add on extra hairspray like I usually do. I must admit, I did have a few fly-away hairs, but that is fixable with a flexible hairspray. Too bad I didn't have anywhere to go. I stayed home and watched tv, but damn I felt cute with my soft bouncy hair.

MASCARA

I know most of my entries as of late have been about drama, but this one is different.

See, I'm the kind of person who hates change often so when I find something I like I usually stick to it. I have used AVON's Curvelicious mascara for a while now, but my niece turned me onto Maybelline's Falsies mascara. I only used it today and I liked it. The AVON mascara is good if you have naturally long lashes, but this Maybelline one seems to work even if you don't. The secret to both mascaras is the curved brush. I don't know why I'm so excited about this mascara. Enough to write about it. I really like the bright colorful purple packaging too :)

According to Maybelline, "The Falsies Mascara delivers a false lash look; giving you a full set of voluminous, bold, fanned out lashes and the appearance of no gaps from any angle.

The Pro-Keratin and Fibre enriched formula is designed to deliver immediate results, distributing volume and visible intensity to your lashes. The patented ‘Spoon’ shaped brush helps fan lashes out."

Well I had no complaints, no clumps, well fanned out, and good cover. I like it. It was on sale at Target too for $5, which is cheaper than my Avon brand mascara regular price $7.99. I say its worth a try!

Note: I did use a different Avon mascara for my lower lashes. Also, its hard to get good close up eye pics. Especially when you need flash, but you dont want to make yourself blind taking the pic :p

side note:

I'm also curious as to whether anyone else applies eyeliner to the inner rim of their eyes. I do this all the time, but I get mixed opinions as to whether it is safe or not. I personally have never had any infections from it, although sometimes it does run in and under my lower eye lid. Thats why I am also on the look out for a good eyeliner that will not run. Again I am partial to my AVON eyeliner, which does stay on long, but need a brand alternative that I can buy at any Walmart, Target, or drug store when I can't place my AVON order. Any suggestions??

more to the drama...yay :(

The story continues...

This past friday, the day after the whole situation of my guy running out on me because I was ignoring him, (see prior post) he calls up and says we needed to "hablar en serio" to have a serious talk. We talked...well semi-argued. Basically he claims I was being rude (true, I admit to that) and that I was looking to be more than friends with that new guy and blah blah blah. I didn't want to go around in circles trying to defend myself, so I asked if he was done talking, and that he could leave now. Yeah, I kicked him out. Then as he was leaving he said I needed to go to his place to pick up some of my stuff that was there, and I did. Once there, he made up excuses for me to leave saying he had to clean them first and that he would take them to me later. I refused to leave empty handed and make it seem like he was kicking me out. We were both upset with the other but we would smirk and laugh when we tried to keep on a mad face. I would be like "just give me my pillow" and he would say come and get it and he'd lie on top of it, and it would turn into a scuffle, a sort of challenge to see who can restrain the other. It was half serious, half immature play fighting. I think I even tried to bite his shoulder so he can release me LOL. But I gave up and layed there with him on top of me still saying can I have my pillow please, and he laughs. In a wierd way in that fiery instance it was kind of a turn on. LOL. Wierd I know. But he took my hands and kissed me and we were just kind of staring at each other not knowing what to do. He said that if we are gonna continue from her on out, it will be official as bf/gf and niether of us can hide secrets or play around with others. Then my mom called on my cell phone and said "ven para la casa ahorrita, te prohibo que estes ayi". She basically is against me seeing him and wanted me back home immediately, so I told him and left. We didn't agree to anything as to our status, but he said he would go over to my place soon. Well he did that night and also sunday night. All is like it was before. I don't really know if thats a good or bad thing. By the way, my mother is SOOooo against me seeing him.
He has been a little bit nicer than usual and we play around more. I'm more agressive in expressing what I think or what I want. And I don't play the part of the helpless victim, I can play rough too and fight back. Not that we get into physical fights, but I do have a bruise on my ass from when I fell off the bed while we were wrestling LOL I was trying to get out of a head lock and somehow rolled over him and fell off the side. He did catch me and made the fall softer but still it hurt. I landed laughing and crying, but mostly laughing.
But anyways...I think deep down we each have more feelings than we are willing to admit. It is all fun and games now and we just enjoy each others company. I just hope the family tension and the jealousy act dies down soon. I would hate to see our "thing", whatever it is, end. Some people might call me stupid for keeping it going, but I don't think we have reached our expiration date just yet.

my life full of stupid drama

Sorry for all these drama-filled blog entries, but I really have no one else who I can talk to and vent to. Even if it is just to my imaginary blog friends, and Maria (I really think your the only one who reads this stuff) but writing about it helps.
Anyways...so this guy friend I have been seeing has repeatedly told me that we are not a couple and how I shouldn't be jealous of him talking about other girls or wanting to meet other girls. Jealousy is a natural emotion that is evoked in me when I hear about him and how he liked some chick at the park. But I swallow my pride and ignore my jealousy and just march on as if all is well. Last night, I met this guy online and he seems really cool and easy to talk to. After a while of talking online on cam on stickam.com, we exchanged numbers to keep in touch. This evening, he was texting me and then a few minutes later my guy friend (lets call him Mr. H) came over to my place and we had turned on the tv and sat on the bed. A few minutes later my new online guy friend (lets call him Mr. D) calls me up. I had told Mr. H that he might call but that we are just new friends getting to know each other. Guy friend Mr. H was watching a soccer game and a spanish novela so I thought I could take the call while he was watching tv. I was on the phone for like 9 minutes with new online friend Mr. D when suddenly Mr. H got up and left. I even hung up on my friend Mr. D and chased after Mr. H grabbing his arm and asking what's wrong and for him not to leave. He just jerked his arm and told me not to touch him and for me to continue talking to my friend Mr. D, and left.
This left me confused, disappointed, sad, and angry. Why the double standard? It is ok for him to talk about other girls and tell me not to ever get jealous, yet I talk to a guy friend and he displays jealously. Yes I made the mistake of talking for so long, but I think he over reacted by storming out. I even felt stupid chasing after Mr. H, but I really didn't want him to think I didn't want him there. It hurts to think that I hurt him and his ego and made him feel unwanted. But at least now he knows how I sometimes feel when he talks about other girls. But I don't like to play games and I don't really know what to do from here. Do I continue to chase him or give him time to process things. To make matters worst, I called back new online friend Mr. D soon afterward to apologize for hanging up and explained the situation and went on to talk about our lives and stuff for nearly an hour. I like new friend Mr. D but just as friends for now. I barely know him but I really did lose track of time and rambled a bit about stuff, much like I am doing now.
In conclusion, I know I screwed up by being on the phone for so long with someone of the opposite sex while Mr. H was over at my place. I admit that fault. I also probably shouldn't have called Mr. D back. If Mr. H finds out I called Mr. D back, he would probably end whatever relationship we have, and that scares me. I do care about Mr. H and I know I did him wrong. I am also mad at myself for allowing myself to lose control of my feelings. The feminist side of me is upset that this man Mr. H has such an effect on me. The sad lonely girl in me doesn't want to see him go. And yet another part of me is happy I called the new friend back. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. LOL I don't know if that saying is appropriate but yeah....I want to pursue a friendship with Mr. D but still keep Mr. H around for awhile longer. Perhaps that is selfish of me :/

(sorry if the Mr. H and Mr. D references are confusing...I lack creativity)

I'm such a sad story

If anyone is looking at this and wonders what its about...it is my ranting about drama. Please feel free to ignore and skip. I just need to vent and hopefully come up with a solution to my issues. I know this is a public blog and this is a personal issue, but I dont mind people reading. I just wanna feel like I am venting out to someone, even if it is to the viral invisible people on the net.

So..I'm still dealing with the same guy. Immigrant who came up to me at the park a few months ago and started talking to me and building a relationship of sorts. It's so difficult and wierd to understand the motives and mode of thinking for this one. Sometimes he talks seriously as if we could have some sort of marriage in the future, other times he'll say we are not anything to each other and are both single then he'll get jealous if I have guy friends who text me, sometimes he'll say he is going back to his native country, other times he wants me to help him get permanent citizenship. At times I feel used as his resource for transportation, communications, internet access, food, and physical needs. I can't deny I feel attached to him because he's been in my life longer than anyone else has and I like the attention he gives me and how I feel when I'm with him. Everytime we decide to not see each other again, he comes back and it makes me feel like I am special and he needs me. I know it is wrong but I think it is my low self esteem that is the reason why I keep this going. I was never the pretty girl in school or even had any real friends to hang out with or go out with. Even now it is rare that I go out with someone other than my niece or my brother. I got so used to not getting any form of positive attention from anyone that I somewhat crave someone to just tell me they like being with me or give me a compliment. I don't ever get approached or hit on when I am out, and this guy was the first one who actually did, and also the first one who I've been physical with for so long, so I think that is why I'm so attached. And I continue to do the things I do because it's the only way to keep him around. I know I would be telling someone in my situation to end it quick and that they deserve to be treated better and that they should value themselves more. But I can't come to terms with ending it and actually doing it and sticking to it. It's a vicious cycle and I know it. I can't even talk to my family about it, and I'm embarrased to admit all this. I try to act like I'm ok with just being "friends" but I'm not. From the outside, we look like a couple and my family thinks we are, but he always wants me to make it clear to them that we are not. I'm so embarassed to say that because he does come over to my place and it makes me look like a slut giving away the milk for free (or however that saying goes). Its like in my head we are a couple, but just can't tell anyone or make it official. I even get jealous moments when he talks about seeing a cute girl and wanting to talk to her at the park, and that means that I have feelings for him. This is what I was afraid of. Now it will really be hard to end anything.

I suppose I am just hoping that my prince charming will magically find me and appear to me to rescue me, but that will probably never happen.