If anyone is looking at this and wonders what its about...it is my ranting about drama. Please feel free to ignore and skip. I just need to vent and hopefully come up with a solution to my issues. I know this is a public blog and this is a personal issue, but I dont mind people reading. I just wanna feel like I am venting out to someone, even if it is to the viral invisible people on the net.
So..I'm still dealing with the same guy. Immigrant who came up to me at the park a few months ago and started talking to me and building a relationship of sorts. It's so difficult and wierd to understand the motives and mode of thinking for this one. Sometimes he talks seriously as if we could have some sort of marriage in the future, other times he'll say we are not anything to each other and are both single then he'll get jealous if I have guy friends who text me, sometimes he'll say he is going back to his native country, other times he wants me to help him get permanent citizenship. At times I feel used as his resource for transportation, communications, internet access, food, and physical needs. I can't deny I feel attached to him because he's been in my life longer than anyone else has and I like the attention he gives me and how I feel when I'm with him. Everytime we decide to not see each other again, he comes back and it makes me feel like I am special and he needs me. I know it is wrong but I think it is my low self esteem that is the reason why I keep this going. I was never the pretty girl in school or even had any real friends to hang out with or go out with. Even now it is rare that I go out with someone other than my niece or my brother. I got so used to not getting any form of positive attention from anyone that I somewhat crave someone to just tell me they like being with me or give me a compliment. I don't ever get approached or hit on when I am out, and this guy was the first one who actually did, and also the first one who I've been physical with for so long, so I think that is why I'm so attached. And I continue to do the things I do because it's the only way to keep him around. I know I would be telling someone in my situation to end it quick and that they deserve to be treated better and that they should value themselves more. But I can't come to terms with ending it and actually doing it and sticking to it. It's a vicious cycle and I know it. I can't even talk to my family about it, and I'm embarrased to admit all this. I try to act like I'm ok with just being "friends" but I'm not. From the outside, we look like a couple and my family thinks we are, but he always wants me to make it clear to them that we are not. I'm so embarassed to say that because he does come over to my place and it makes me look like a slut giving away the milk for free (or however that saying goes). Its like in my head we are a couple, but just can't tell anyone or make it official. I even get jealous moments when he talks about seeing a cute girl and wanting to talk to her at the park, and that means that I have feelings for him. This is what I was afraid of. Now it will really be hard to end anything.
I suppose I am just hoping that my prince charming will magically find me and appear to me to rescue me, but that will probably never happen.
Hey Marisol, you shouldn't feel ashamed for having feelings for him. He's around and he's making you fall for him, so you're just respoding to him. It sucks that he doesn't want to acknowledge you as his partner because you two pretty much are a couple. It could be any number of reasons why he doesn't want to make it official. I would tell you to be careful, but you already have feelings for him, so now it's just a matter of dealing with it. If you can't come to terms with being a friend with benefits, then you're going to continue to feel hurt everytime. But it getting rid of him isn't an option, then you have to be strong and just take things as they come. I can understand what you mean about liking the positive attention, because I wasn't that girl in high school either, but it makes us vulnerable. Enjoy him the way he's enjoying you, but if he can't commit then at least slowly detach yourself emotionally from him because it's not fair for you.
ReplyDeleteI know its not fair. I should have never gotten involved this deeply. It's not sympathy I have for him but its not love either, at least I dont think so. I dont know how I will handle this. Like you said, slowly detach myself is probably the best way.
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